095: Finally you too can Be Part of The Tour

Finally.
Finally I've found a news source that I can trust. When passing through the Pdx airport I saw this display. My first inkling was to abandon any hopes of travel and sit in front of the Colombia display and hope to win a new Scott bike. Then I realized its real intent. To inform.


So I got closer, and upon closer inspection I realized that the internet and blogs have finally died and we've returned to a more traditional way to let viewers like you know what is happening in the world of cycling. My favorite part about this display is where it says "Crashes and wind and raing — oh my!" So Clever. And I SO want to be part of the tour.


Breaking News:
I just learned some disturbing news from the road today. I know I'm probably behind on this, but I'll try to post as much information as I can, as it comes it. The times that we live in are rife with information (as you may notice above), when the interwebs are concerned you can get everything you need at the tips of your fingers (or in the airport).

But believe you me, you heard it here first.

Lance won the Tour de France today.

I can't really go into all the details, since I need to head over here to celebrate with him. Apparently he's going to fly right back to Austin to hang out with us and celebrate.

For this:

One lucky team is going to walk away with this little beauty of a trophy. And then we're going to watch the movie afterward. And then we're going to party. A lot. Now, I don't know about you, but this shit is happening in a way that I don't think the TdF is going to ever be able to match. Ever.

I like short sentences.

This is our tour guide to Austin. In conjunction with Erin of course. More on that later. But if you're wondering why Christopher Stanton is so serious. Keep scrolling. He's serious because he means business. Watch out Austin.

See you soon.
High Five.

094: Tour de Lance for President.

One year when the Tour rolled around (pun intended) I conned my girlfriend at the time into getting cable just so that "we" could watch the Tour. Granted I coded it in secret speak of Dog Whispering, late morning Ellen, and even a Sex in the City or two. But I think she really knew the truth. That every night I was going to come home and sit in my chamois, stink up the place, eat too much pasta, drink beers with Floyd, and really just LIVE the Tour de France.

What happened? I haven't watched one minute of the Tour de France yet.

I'm actually trying to hold off for as long as I can. I Gave up on the likes of Cycling and Velo Newses a while back. Pez I thought would fill that void. But it didn't, so I kind of just stare up at the sky and wonder whats going on in the world of professional cycling... actually I was just thinking about this new PBS hat.


So, I started asking around to find out what is going on. This is the heart of journalism right? That's what we're all after here. The story. The next story. Breaking the story....

Well, Steven told me that Cancellara won the time trial. Handily.
Joe told me that "the Dish" won stage two. And not only that but the fact that no team could even respond to the train that is Colombia. Roar!

"What about their new kits?" This was my question to him. These are the important things here people. I had read something days earlier that they were talking up their new kit design."They're pretty much the same, minus the abs, and with some green bits thrown in."

Boring.

Where did their fake abs go? That's what I want to know. How are these Gladiators of the Road supposed to withstand the deathblows from their competitors? What if Cav's fragile body gets tossed into the barriers? Or Tornado Tom suddenly decides to start racing again? What then I ask?

With this open void left in my life, not having to watch the Tour, I found all sorts of ways to fill the time.

First I help up this Mario Cippollini sticker in my backyard and pretended that he was sprinting for the win over and over. And yes, I know that he's got aero bars on. But a boy can dream can't he? I did this for about ten whole minutes. Sometimes closing my eyes and thinking about that striped behemoth wizzing by, sometimes trying to picture the "muscles" skinsuit.

Then I tried to go to a BBQ in my neighborhood. Being new to town I asked my roommate where it was. He tried to look it up on his Superphone and this was all that happened. 007. Like the number of Lance's wins. 7. Then Brian came over and explained that an "infinite loop" is kind of like what goes on in Lance's head..."must win at all costs, must win at all costs, this is MY team, must win at all costs," and it just kind of keeps repeating over and over.


Then I sat down and read this pamphlet (pictured below) cover to cover. Its filled with some pretty good sentiments. I found it attached to our refrigerator the other morning and found myself wondering "has this been here the whole time, or is it new?" Is it pointedly directed at me?
I'm revising it and thinking about putting out a few versions of my own.


-101 Ways to Spend Your Days While Everyone Else is Watching The Tour. (See above)
-101 Ways to Help Lance Win the Tour From Your Home (loose lips sink ships after all).
-101 Ways to Make Love with a Cyclist Without Doing it. (#23 Whisper "you're such a Badger" in his/her ear randomly.)
-101 Ways to be a Gentle-er Lover.
-101 Ways to convince your friends wives that you're not gay
-101 Ways to apply a nice sheen of embrocation to your legs. (these last two should not be used in conjunction with each other.)
-101 Better (Looking) Uses for the Rapha Silk Scarf than I can come up with.

I think that there could be a future publishing venture here. I'll check it out. And once I've got the price quote for "cheesily printed brochure" down I'll let you know and we can settle on one of the choices.

What else can I do to distract myself from watching? Seriously.

093: Two More Videos Friday.

I've got two more video's for you. The first one is from my new camera. Its a Canon G10. Everyone has one and takes their photos with it, so I thought that it might be time to "get a clue" and upgrade the old one a little bit.

Then I realized in my neglect that Ants had taken over my BKW water bottle. Not a good thing either, because this has become one of my standby water bottles in the last couple of weeks. Mr. Joe Staples has some BKW over-socks (as the brits call shoe-covers) that I have been coveting for weeks. I usually tell myself that if I just hang on to this water bottle, the powers that be will raise up and bring the conspicuously vacated BKW site back from the dead. Or send me some socks.

Then I went to his site and realized that ants had taken over that as well. This is what has come of it too.

I pray at night people.

I pray that BKW can come back not as a blog, but as something more magnificent. Something far reaching. Something like a really nice glow in the dark velvet painting of Elvis, or a gold chain of Dracula's Fangs, or an Embrocation so fierce that it reaches up and punches you in your shit (be it "balls" or "other") and reminds you that you're not going as hard as you should be.

These are the things that I pray for.

Have my prayers been answered? I asked myself that question as I clicked the link too. What does this mean? Where is it coming from? I mean, obviously I see where it is coming from. But really, where is it coming from? And why is its interface so usable? So friendly? So damn familiar in a way that you can't place your finger on?

I think that this might actually be closer though: The Acid Sweat Lodge. Where all my dreams may come true yet. Thank you world, for existing to cheer me when I'm down.

Adam Myerson said in the Comments section yesterday that he thought Embrocation was turning into the Look At This Fucking Hipster (nevermind that it took him a duo of tries to get the url right) of Cycling Blogs. I hate to be the one to point out, dearest Adam, but we've had that for a while now. Its called BikeSnobNYC. Yikes, come on guy, no one comes here for humor. They come here for arty videos of ants crawling around the top of a waterbottle. Everyone knows that.

Besides, the truth is that I wish I had the time and resources to do an interview that would even come close to capturing the Real Adam. Something like this Pez interview in fact. However, and I put it to you dear friend. I'm going to be back in Boston later this month....who know's?

Maybe magic does happen?

Speaking of Magic and moving on at the same time...Carey clued me in to this amazing little video.

I don't really know what else to say about that one aside from the fact that it looks really great. Ok, well that and "How the hell do you get all those policemen to execute something like this so flawlessly with out screwing it up and pummeling the crap out of each other? I guess there are PRO's in every field?

092: Yakima

Now, I know what this looks like...that I claim something like "hey, Hott Sam, you're such a male model" and then the following post are about being a model. But damn if this life isn't hard.

I spent the day helping out some pals over at Yakima Racks get a few photos together for their new catalog, or website, or really whatever they're looking to use some great looking photos of great looking people...

This isn't easy though. Let me tell you. I'll break it down for you a little bit, but some of the highlights were this...

-getting up at 5am.
-the coffee shop where we were designated to meet not opening till 7. Not good.
-getting to hang out with Ira Ryan all day (this really was fun he has rhinestone sunglasses). Not only can this cat ride bikes really hard (on gravel, dirt or pavement) but he is also really fun to hang out with. We swapped some travel stories as well. Check out his photos on Flickr. There are even him rocking an embrocation kit on there...


-drooling on myself during the car ride to location.
-picking up a 47 pound mountain bike 48 times and pretending to put it on a rack.
-seeing Hood River, Oregon.
-making new friends.

-having coffee no less than 14 times in one day. Greg Johnson started this coffee shop by the way. Ground.
-spider bites and twitter responses.
-riding out of town with Greg Johnson. This is what I love about these trips. He didn't know that we were going to be in town, but all he needed was a 45 minute prep time and we were out riding on gravel roads around Hood River.
-driving down the road with bikes on the "rack" and hearing that its only a "prototype" and hopefully it still works well. that's cool. Ira made his, he can make another.


-male models.
-riding with Ira, Greg, and Jeff.
-GU Chompers. These things make Shot Blocks taste like Hay Bales.


-alpacas. I tried to get this one to spit on me. I asked it nicely. I got as close as I could. It didn't happen, but in the end I just had to be satisfied with this photo of Al and Mt. Hood in the background. I'm ok with it.

-when you're building a campfire and you see a nice little note that the good people at the hardware store put on their logs that they're selling.


I have to say. This stuff was extremely different from the Rapha Continental shooting that I've done in the last couple of years. But I did get to see a little bit of a town I've never seen before. I also got to see Mt. Hood a little closer than I have before. Which made me go "holy shit that is amazing" about thirty times...

So, I leave you with this...

091: So, You're a Photographer Now?

I got to spend some time with Chris Milliman (check out his new website) this past weekend. He was in town to do some shooting for a new brand of bicycles and asked me to help out. So I got to be a male model for the morning. Yikes. But, enough about that. Check out Milliman's CBS t-shirt (which also looks to be a new website).

It is a good time to watch a guy like Milliman go to work. One can tell that he's always playing with the whole mise-en-scene of each situation. How the light, rider, bike, scenario affect each individual shot. We spent a good amount of time in Forest Park looking for the right angles. I have to say, if there was somewhere to shoot a bicycle, this park is it. The mossy overgrowth made the perfect backdrop for this orange beauty.


Chris also carries a pretty amazing arsenal of cool cameras with him that would, and should make anyone jealous. My favorite is the Clack. Which incidentally also means "cycling cap" in Flemish. But I think it is spelled "klack" there. Photographers are a strange breed I have to say, and some day I hope to be one. Sigh. One can dream though? Can't one?

Moving on.
The whole shoot was film. None of this fancy digi stuff that everyone is touting these days. I didn't get to see all of the Beloved bicycles, but the two that I saw looked great. You know what else looked great....


While we were out shooting we ran into Hott Sam as well. You may recall that both Hott Sam and Chris Milliman have been featured in the same blog post before. Trust me when I say that it was controversial in a way I've never seen. Probably because Sam is so Hott? And Controversial.
I would say that he sparks conversation he's so hot. But that isn't true. He sparks straight up fires in the hearts of all that see him. Now that's controversial (for those of you who don't know, this is a little writing technique I like to call hyperbole).

Although I have to give credit where credit is due. Sam was part of what we like to call "The Original Three." Sacha White and Tony Kick made up the other two thirds and were the founders of a group of cyclists that have come to call themselves the Gentle Lovers. See, I'm starting to get the local folklore down...

That's his Gang Sign For Hott.

Sam and I talked a lot about his Male Modeling Lifestyle. It is pretty extensive. And pretty. And I say "lifestyle" because that is what it is. You'll know when he is ready to turn it into a career. Because it will drop like an atomic bomb. Until then he's probably just going to keep turning his life into art and art into his life. That and drinking good beer.

It was good to see you Sam. And I'm glad that everyone wore red.

090: Embrocation Technique — Joe Staples

Previously we've seen our man Steve Francisco and his embrocation application technique. Very good, very purposeful and very heavy on the sheen angle. Great Job!

Well, this has got me to thinking and instantly a few question popped into my head. How do other people do it? Is there a right way to go about applying embrocation to your legs?

I started asking around. Who would know? Of course I got the first person I asked, because I only asked the best. The PRO-est of the PRO. This guy is so PRO that no one has even seen him race a bicycle. I always thought this was because he was so far off the front. Heading into the sunset for that "only one in the photo" effect. Which would be good.

In any case this time it is Joe Staples and instead of the Team Edition he is showing us with the brand new Mango Love Embrocation. I'll recap at the other end. You just watch.



That was quick, now let us recap.

1) Don't mind the chickens, they're loud and they live behind the office.

2) Smell it. This is part of the experience too. Equate it to your morning coffee. Make it a part of your routine.

3) Never cross paths. No chamois cream on the legs, no leg balm on the chamois.

4) Remove the embro in a symmetrical pattern. This way when you share with friends they aren't turned off by the "double dipping." Its just for your legs anyway.

5) Warm it with your hands first.

6) Start with the tendons. I like this one because he's right. They do take longer to warm up.

7) Live out your Frank Vandenbroucke fantasies. As we all should. Model girlfriends, a rock and roll lifestyle. Just don't call all Pantani on us. Why? Because comebacks are awesome, especially when you claim to be T. Boonen.

And that's it really. I know that it sounds like a lot, but figure out your own routine. What works best for you, and then stick to you.

I wonder who else would be good at this sort of thing?

089: Mangocation.

Remember when I came to you and presented you with the Uber Secret embrocation team up with Mad Alchemy and you went nuts for it? Well, that was a while ago and I figured that you needed something new.

And this is that something.

I don't even know where to begin with this one. It is so damn good. I've actually been testing it for a couple of weeks now and it literally turns heads. In fact, when Dan Action said that he liked Embrocations in general because they felt like, and I quote, "20 year old girls are licking my legs," this is the one that he was talking about. He just didn't know it yet.

I can't take all the credit for coming up with this one either. Somewhere along the lines this summer someone mentioned to me that Mango was actually an aphrodisiac and a light bulb went off in my head. That's step one. Now, once that light bulb goes on, and it doesn't happen that often, I start scrambling around thinking "ok, I can see now, what do I do?"

Insert Mango into every part of your daily life? Maybe, but that's not where I'm going with this one.

So, we're riding along on some country roads. Delirious from the hundreds of miles of riding and Dan-o brings up the aforementioned licking scenario. Suddenly thing are getting clearer and I link the two of them together in my brain piece. Bing-Bong. Phase two, completed.

Now enter Steve Francisco into the mix to drop a little bit of that JDK science on your ass and we're off and running. A veritable explosion of the senses this one. Why? And I don't even mind letting you in on the secret here.

Because it smells like summer.

We all know what the spicy embros smell like. The cold weather ones. The ones that make you blanch a little because they're so strong. And those are all well and good and have their place on my legs. However, Mango Love is their long lost cousin. The cousin that just flew in from California and just can't stop calling everyone "Brah," or "Bro" or saying everything is so "Rad."

The (Endless) Summer Solstice happened the other day, and all yoga pants aside, this is going to be a good one.

And, since I designed the label, and I know you're wondering... why the large "IS" in the middle of it. It is simple, and I implore you to remember this one:

Because "Chamois Time IS Tanning Time" and you can quote me on that.